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Sunday, May 13, 2012

What is so speical about Mother's Day?



Today is Mother's Day. Millions of Mothers across America and around the world will be celebrating today. Cards will be read, candy will be eaten, flowers will be given, gifts will be opened and tomorrow, thousands of spas across the country will be called to cash is gift certificates. Some mothers will be spoiled and loved on and helped out, but some will be simply forgotten or told "you aren't my mom" by their spouses. Mother's Day holds a lot of weight in the eyes of the Mother in the house.

I have always had mixed feelings about Mother's Day. I don't like all the hype and no, it wouldn't be nice to walk outside and see a large red bow on an overpriced vehicle sitting in my driveway. My first thought would be, "Man, how will we pay for gas?" Maybe I'm just not a mom enough to appreciate the sentiment or maybe, just maybe, I have Mother's Day every day of the year.

I wake up in the mornings and start my days by nursing my sweet boy, then breakfast and homeschool, playdates, house cleaning, sewing and a little Facebooking all go into a busy day in the PB&J household. But as I am doing these mundane tasks, I am reminded of the scripture that says "This is Day that the Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it." Does this mean that everyday I "Pollyanna" my way through the day and skip around wearing rose colored glasses in a field of flowers and signing to white rabbits, in tune with blue birds? Nope! Some days I'm covered in spit up, wiping noses and rear ends, juggling my kids as I run to the store and post office and errands. Some days I'm tired and dirty and spent by 10am. Some days I just am overwhelmed and under paid ($0 for all of my many hats..... is that possible?) and feeling run down. So a day for just me should, in fact, should thrill me and make me say "Finally, they (my family) see my efforts and are going to shower me. Where is my cape and crown, the parade will start at noon."

But as I am snuggling my little man this morning, the weight of the last 8 years hang just in the shadows and I am reminded that I celebrate Mother's Day everyday, because it wasn't that long ago that Mother's Day was something I was told would never happen for our family.

When Miss A came into this world, my whole being sang with joy!! A baby, a baby girl had been given to us by a wonderful God. She had red hair and deep blue eyes and my soul felt an immediate response to this tiny little person.

I remember the nurse brought her in after her bath. She was wrapped in a little hospital blanket and I held her in my arms and tears flowed. The baby I held was a miracle, a true gift from God. As I held her, I felt her big brother's angel wings. We had lost her brother 3 years earlier and my heart was broken and I was shell schocked at the loss. But holding this little girl, it didn't erase my pain over losing her brother, she didn't replace him. Holding her reminded me that God is still in control.

The years went on and I watched in awe at this tiny being with the very large personality grow and change. I listened to her as she sang made up songs. I danced around all crazy to music on the stereo. I finger painted with her. I laughed with her. I explored the world around us with her. She will turn 6 here soon and I still can't believe that she will be 6.

Even in my most glorious moments with Miss A, our little family of three always felt like someone was missing. Someone wasn't there to share birthday's with, to open Christmas presents with. Someone, a distant shadow, a concept that I couldn't grasp, always there but just out of reach.  Then, in 2008, I miscarried a set of twins, and our world stopped moving forward. For months, I spent time crying, curled up in a ball. I spent nights on the phone with members of the SHARE organization at the hospital talking. Someone, I'm sure would have judged my grief, would have mentioned to me that I needed to move on "for my daughter", that I was neglecting her needs and that talking about the twins all the time was annoying. But the fact is, that grief is funny, in that every single person response to it in different ways for different members of the family or your friends. There is no wrong way to grieve.

I have written it before, but I was told in August 2010, that my husband and I would never conceive another child. All the tests, all the shots, all the medications......... all of those were doing nothing. We would never conceive. We were devastated.

But the funny fact is we did conceive. We did have a baby and 1 year, just like Hannah in the bible, we dedicated Little B to God in front of our family and our church, it was a wonderful celebration come full circle.

Little B is always smiling always happy. We call him our Happy Happy fat man, because, despite being born 6 weeks early and staying in the NICU, Little B weighs in a whopping 23 pounds. He is light, he is joy. He is the little baby we had prayed so very many times for.

So what is so special about Mother's Day anyway? I think, as my little 10 month old, with his teeth that remind me of the reality show "Swamp People" grins his slobbery grin up at me, it's about celebrating the mothers in our lives, the ones who are not here now and the ones yet to come. But Mother's Day shouldn't be just once a year, at least it isn't for me. Mother's Day happens everyday in our home. It's in those quiet little moments, before they drift off to sleep. It's in the pull of their soft silky hair through your fingers as you read them yet another story. It's in the laughter around the dinner table as you discuss your day. It's those tiny moments, big and small that stop time. Those moments where your world stops, the chatter of the day fades and look at these little beings and say "Wow. I am a Mother."