Valentine's Day sparks so many lovely (and many not so lovely) acts of love. People all over the world and all over Facebook and Twitter and even yes (gasp) Pinterest are showing the love today. I've seen blog post after blog post, legions of men and women voicing their own opinions of this particular day in February. I suppose this means I get to add my voice to the sea of people shouting "hey look at me!" on this day.
I've always wondered "why" on Valentine's Day. Call me a hopeless unromantic but I don't want Big B to show his love towards me with a gift on Valentine's Day. I guess this puts me in a small number of those who really just don't "get it". I guess I'm just selfish and self centered, I want Big B to show his love everyday, in little and big ways, not just buy me a card that someone else wrote to express his love for me. Some of the best expressions of his love for me have been on random days, and "just because" moments. Like after we brought home Miss A and she was so small. Big B went to the store and brought home two white lilies, one was for the memory of the loss of our son Gabriel and one for the joy of the birth of Miss A. They were attached together from the same stalk. Even 5 years later, that moment makes me cry. Or the time he came home from work after I had been dealing with a very colicky Little B, and he brought home milk and coffee filters and took the baby so I could take a nap. Talk about romance, I still smile when I think of that moment in our marriage. I looked like a hot mess, dirty and worn down with I'm sure spit up and other kid fluids on me, Miss A was still in her PJ's and he just came home, took Little B and took over. Sigh....I have hearts in my eyes.
Valentine's Day just makes me feel like a big fat failure as a mom. I get a little jealous of pictures of the awesome ideas my mom friends show on Facebook, I must admit. I don't do heart shaped food or make red cloth forts in the living room. I don't hang paper hearts or sew up felted chair covers with everyones name embroidered on the back. I don't decorate or even have any red sprinkles in the house........ I know shocking, but I looked to make sure and nope, no red. There is pink sprinkles from I don't know when in the back of the spice rack. I don't sit down and do a Valentine's craft with the kids either. This part kinda makes me sad that I don't. I should, I should make Miss A and Little B make something for Daddy. I do crafts all the time with them, so I don't know why I've never done a Valentine's craft, ever. Miss A makes pictures and Big B takes them to work or we hang them here at the house. My point is, shouldn't the kids know that love is shown everyday? I feel that putting this pressure on everyone to show your love on a particular day, makes you feel awful if you don't live up to the other persons expectations.
Even though we don't do anything organized for each other on the 14th of February, doesn't mean nothing gets exchanged. I woke up this morning to Miss A who gave me a piece of computer paper with stick figures drawn on it and a ton of little beads glued to the paper. She crawled up into bed with me in her Little Mermaid PJ's and said "Mom, I made this for you. It's because you love my fancy self." My heart melted. I currently have the masterpiece hung up on the fridge, the place of "high honor" in our house. What she was saying to me this morning, early I might add, is that she feels loved everyday just for being her. Miss A dances and laughs and pretends to be a dog (thank you Disney Movie Club for Lady and the Tramp) and I still love her. Even in her rain boots and tutu and glittery purse. Even when she is acting crazy and wild and making me laugh. I love her simply because she is herself, exactly the way God made her.
It wasn't that long ago, when celebrating any holiday would send me into a state of depression. Being told that you have PCOS and being told that you had unexplained infertility, doesn't really lend yourself to the warm and fuzzy ,lovey feelings. It wasn't that long ago where I was in a doctor's office, being told what the next step in our infertility journey would be, one Valentine's Day. At those low and heartbreaking moments in our marriage, I didn't want a card from Big B, I wanted a partner. A wanted someone to be strong for me and love me and say "I know this will work out alright. I prayed to God for this." I wanted to be told that even if we never had another, that he was okay with the special Valentine God had given us. There are everyday moments burned in my mind of Miss A and her daddy, of watching them love each other and support each other, in the only mystifying way a little girl and her daddy can do.
Then last year, when we were told there was nothing more to be done, last Valentine's Day, I was carrying our little cupid. A tiny baby that fluttered for the first time on February 14, 2011 and I felt it. Then Little B was born and I felt so much love for him and some much fear. He was born 6 weeks early and was in the NICU. Once we brought him home, I felt such a feeling of love and responsibility to him. My children and my husband have become my Valentine gifts. They bring me joy and sorrow, laughter and frustration. Sometimes I wonder if I am actually cut out to be their mother, friend, teacher, cheerleader and disciplinarian. I wonder sometimes how I come across to my husband and try and work on a better way to show my appreciation and love for him.
You see to this women, Valentine's Day holds no weight, no value. We show our love for each other all year long, everyday, in little ways. We grow as a family and live as a unit. We make mistakes, we hurt each others feelings but we also apologize and build each other up. Big B and I try as parents to instill in our kids the feelings of self worth and self esteem. We pray for our children, pray over our children and pray over our marriage. We are not perfect, far from it. Instead we love the fact that neither one expects the moon and stars, so it is such a blessing when we see them.
As I sit and listen to Miss A making Little B laugh, I am reminded how to spend a lovely Valentine's Day. We will cook dinner tonight, there will be no heart shaped anything, and we will laugh and talk and be a family. Later, I'm sure we will watch a movie (Finding Nemo for the millionth time) and I will nurse Little B. We will celebrate the fact Little B is learning to roll to where he wants and grasps objects with ease.
This will be the best Valentines Day ever, simply because we are together.
Mama Jelly
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